Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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