I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
