i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
