I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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