She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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