Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
