Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
