I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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