i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
