This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
