No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
