I accidentally burped into my bong.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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