I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize