i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Mom said you looked used
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Of course I have a pirate flag
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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