we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
