He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
