i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Randomize
