I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
the day after is always just damage control
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
