I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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