i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize