It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize