This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
