I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
