He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Sorry my hands just texted you
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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