I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
