The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
