The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
