Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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