I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Randomize
