You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Rumble strips road head = magical
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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