i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
