put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
