You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
