so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
