why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Randomize