Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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