He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
