nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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