1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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