Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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