The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
