So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize
