I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
