highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
