its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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