...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
