I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
