so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
