Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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