If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
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