Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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