K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Someone came in the potted fern
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
