Will you blow on my dice?
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Randomize
