i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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