she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
