And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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