Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
