I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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