If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Randomize
